I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Randomize
