Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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