My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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