I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
