We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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