Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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