Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
