so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
