ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
