I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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