She is in my trunk
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
