sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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