I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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