she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
