I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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