I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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