a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize