Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
