So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
