Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize