I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
