I'm so fucking centered right now
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
