Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
