You smell like a Billy Joel song
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
