I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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