i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
