Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
