He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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