Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize