Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
