ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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