And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize