dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
