Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
