she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
