I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It's blow job season.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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