Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize