I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
