Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
