i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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