bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
