You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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