Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
