I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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