i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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