I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
