Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
