haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
