I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
