I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I just googled if crying burns calories
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
