so that wasnt chicken after all
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize