I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
