I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
