one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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