I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
